It has been awhile since I blogged. I was in the hospital with amnesia. There are two days I completely blocked out! When I got to the hospital I was apparently "begging my daughter not to leave me, "don't leave me behind", I apparently kept saying to her. None of this I remember. "I even said Bush was president, said it was January, and then I said 'oh that's terrible!"
Apparently by the next day I was begging my daughter not to take me home even though I was staying with 3 other people in a room and I had a catheter in me! I remembered being there the next day, but had no memory at all of the hospital, the doctor I'd seen, or the day before! But I was smart enough to pass the test the doctors had given me, so they let me go and just told me not to take the Comtan for Parkinsons!
It had obviously become overwhelming to me and I was exhausted! We are essentially in one room, the loft, which I would never be in with more than 1 person, myself. You have no privacy, the girls are fretting and crying half the day and night, I'm in one room with a baby nurse who doesn't want to do anything except take care of the babies! It's freezing outside, I haven't lived on the East coast since the seventies. In California we drive to the snow, we don't live in it. I was missing the sun, the warm air, the crazy openness of California, I wanted the girls outside in the sunshine, the warm air, everything. Okay so I'd forgotten about the vapidness and neurosis of LA! It was ugly and depressing to me in NY and I didn't think people has such fabulous lives. They seemed to me to be stuck in an old world system where you didn't expect much. It felt like the 19th century! People were grateful for just an apartment!
Maybe I was trying to find a way back to California-Amnesia! Also what was I going back to? I'd broken up with my long term partner, I'd been staying with a friend at her loft downtown. She's lovely and generous and gone a lot of the time, but I had a hard time. You had to get on the 10 and get into a 5 lane freeway to go anywhere. There was nothing around the gaited community except other warehouses, homeless, and ugly buildings. I missed the trees and quiet streets of Sherman Oaks. I missed how easy it was to drive around there. I realized and saw what a suburbanite I really was.
The girls were in a four month crisis-tired of their little bouncy chairs, kicking like crazy, fretting, smiling, laughing. They were becoming human beings wanting to get up and get out. I was lonely and exhausted, in strange surroundings, living out of suitcase for 4 1/2 months. I was only comfortable in the same ugly pair of shoes every day. My back was hurting, I missed the doctors I had in LA, my yoga teacher, my friends. I was restless too-realizing my diminishing energy as they were getting theirs. Now its 11:30 and I am going to my futon! Good night! God bless!
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