Today my grand-daughter, Deidre, and her friend Zia, who is going to school at Pratt, took Tess out for a walk.  They are all full of spit fire and opinions and Jordan went over how they were to take Tess down the stairs twenty times.  Tess has been very quiet and good, just "watching" the girls.  And of course they did great, and Tess was just fine, actually, more than happy. It's funny the young and the "smart" of it all. Each age has their qualities.  The little want to get big, and the big want to get bigger, and the old want to be young!
  As if we can defy death. A friend of mine just told me that her son and his wife and grandson are moving up to the bay area.  She said she is not going to follow them.
  "Ii have to live my own life" she said.  "I can't just move up to the baby area.  Besides, it's cold up there.  I like the sun, I like the warmth."
   That's the choice for all of us, isn't it?  How do we live our own lives?  What is our process of staying connected and yet independent?  Well, I don't think its Facebook or Twitter or Tumbler.  It's life, living, breathing, connected life. Yet how we do that is the question, the big question.

It's Raining! Hospitals and Parkinsons

  
    Is this funny.  My 18 year old grand daughter is here with her 4 month old cousins, Gigi and Tess.  She's on her way to volunteer in Peru and I watched her with her two little cousins today.  She was so good, it blew me away.  I could see her father and her mother in her and I could see how fast and good she was.  It made me cry because her father died four years ago.  I felt him in her in a different way than I had before. Here was my beautiful grand daughter going off to Peru on her own! Wow. Wow. WOw.

   I had some sort of a reaction to my Parkinson medication I took last night-I do have Parkinsons and I veer between the holistic approach and the medical approach.  But I had terrible dyskonesia all night, etc.  We wound up going to the emergency room at Cornell. I have no neurologist here in NY and at  Cornell they would not let me see a neurologist, nor would they say anything about the medication I took.  They gave me a sheet and told me to make an appointment at the clinic.  The clinic would not anyone until April.

  Here you are in this big city that is buildings and highways, and its scary.  I didn't want to go to the hospital of Long Island College because its something out of the fifties.  I saw all of these old scared people wobbling in and out of the hospital.. This is where Gigi and Tess were born, the maternity ward, a place of happiness.  But a lot of hospitals is sadness and loss.  I never felt so pointless as I did coming back from Cornell.  Basically they wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole.  The attending physician said "they could have criminal charges waged against them."

   But in the end our bodies are human.  I guess as a friend said, I need to pray and meditate.  Pray for my soul and everyone else's, pray for this world, for us all.  I have 6 beautiful grand children, two children, and lots of love.

   It's funny because the girls seemed to have sensed something went on because when I cam back from the hospital they were crying like crazy and not their cheerful selves.  But by tonight they were better.

Good night and god bless.

Don't Get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired!!!

  Tonight I am not hungry, nor too tired, but I'm angry and lonely.  I've just been in this loft too much with the babies and all day i fantasized about going to Jordan's and spending the night.  Oh, how i would lay there and not hear any voices. Oh, how I would lay there and not think about anything, oh how I would just lay there!
   But then Jordan told me she had to have a sleeping pill or she would go nuts, and could i stay?
  I have been practicing my exit speech, just haven't given it yet.  Oma Nanny is beat, she's retiring. Oma Nanny's going West where its warm, and given, we're a bit crazy with our stars, and auroas, and dreams, and finding ourself, but its warm and easier terrain.
  And we like our rights.  I am angry at myself that I don't stick up more for myself and say what I need.  A little voice always goes, no you don't, no you don't.
  And guess what, I'm from LA and I go to 12 step meetings, several a week and they are easy to get to and good. Everyone bottoms out in something in LA-women, drugs, money, alcohol, lying, eating, gambling, and trying to control everyone else.  There is a saying: "Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired..and let go and let god."
  Well, I'm going to let go of these beautiful babies and my daughter and let God.
  I went to MOOOOO..Burger with Vicki and Jordan and their kids last night. Young mothers going through all the stages with their children. The kids were eating their fries, shakes, burgers and the moms had wine and salads. I realized that they were in the beginning stages of their parents-Vicki's were 5 and 7, Jordan's 8 and 11.  I was way beyond that even with the grandchildren except for our newest dears.  Been there-done that! 
  But Jordan said, "you've got to interview the older mothers. Its not so easy. I'm 44 and the girls will be 18 when I'm 62. Yikes! STAY HEALTHY!!!!
   Soo when I told her I was leaving for Jordans and she begged me not to go, but then said to make up my mind, I recluctantly stayed.  But because of program i knew it was a choice, one once i was out of my funk, was better.
   We interviewed 3 nannies in person, all from st. Lucie, Jamiaca, or Trinidad.  On of off the books they want a lot of money-4000 a month, off the books that's about 70,000. then they want to know about benefits, vacation days,housecleaners, metro cards, etc. Jordan said she doesn't get them and you're not either, and I pay taxes, and am going to put you on the books!
  but the twins are beautiful. Gigi just laughs and smiles at you. and Tess gets this wild laugh and kicks like crazy.  They both stand up before 4 months, very strong on their legs.  They just cry and moan at tummy time unless you put your head right next to theirs. So, all is not bad,  Just my mood which is getting better.
Good night, good luck to you all. 
  

Chanting, skiing, and cooing! (Nam myoho renge kyo)

   Last night I went to a Buddhist chanting group.  They chanted as a group  for 35 minutes and then had a meeting about gratitude.  The chanting was very interesting, I grew up Catholic and always loved Gregorian chant.  My daughter was saying that chanting is in a lower tone and it calms the brain.  That was why she became a vegetarian, the concept of harming no living thing. I chanted and my mind was at rest-which is good.  Later on during the meeting I said that chanting was like going back to the baby state.  You are connected to one another, and we all want to be  loved, cuddled and not alone.  Babies look at you and laugh and talk to you and coo. 
  But when we feel alone inside, chanting does help you to enter the universal state of togetherness and not being isolated. It quiets the mind and is a form of meditation.  It is a challenge not to feel isolated or alone in life.  And one can be in a marriage and feel more alone than when you are alone.  When communication leaves a marriage, sex then goes way down. (Unless you are an addict!)  When we feel open and heard, then we are attracted to our partner.  When we can be truly honest and not be judged.
  So the little side of us, the little vulnerable helpless side needs to be nourished, touched, loved and coo-ed to!  In the beginning one is not in judgement in a relationship and is open to the other person.  That is why so much love, touching, kissing flows between them.  But as we go along and our resentments build up, our judgement goes up and the communication dries up, we are no longer "open" to the other person.  We are sure we know them, know all about them.  But we don't-we know only how we have narrowed them down to our vision, our boundaries.

Going skiing and moving out of Brooklyn!

   Jordan's aunt called from Memphis and said that there was an article about how young families are moving out of Brooklyn.  It's too expensive. Duh!
  Jordan showed me an ugly apartment for $3400. It made me sick.
  Meanwhile my youngest child, Bernard, who lives in Long Beach, Ca., is taking my 3 other grand children skiing. They are 13, 8, and 5 and boys.  It's a big job.
  He's also planning the summer in Tahoe with all the kids.  Jordan said she couldn't think about coming now.  For several years she organized the trip, paid for the house, and took care of the grandchildren.  She's in a different space now.
    She's exhausted, no sleep for months.  I feel the same way and I haven't had her position.  I think she should go to Tahoe, but we'll have to talk about it in a better space.

How DO Parents DO It?

   It has occurred to me that this job is never ending.  I had forgotten how eternal it is.  The drive of the next generation to come into life.  Every three hours these kids eat, which means one is always eating, or shitting, or burping, or crying or trying to play and they are smiling.  But the job doesn't end at 5 or 6, or 7, it goes on night and day, the endless march of humanity to survive.  I just watch Jordan during the night, getting home from work, picking up the babies, cooking, cleaning up the kitchen, taking the laundry out and I was a reprieve.  I am exhausted.  And she has to go into work and manage everything-pay the bills, its just too much.
  I can't remember feeling like this when my kids were little.  I was always doing twenty things, painting a room, painting a painting, writing, sewing a slip cover, having a dinner party, etc.  I remember one block party we had when the kids were 2 months, 6 and 8 for 40 people on our patio.  We were the main meal, the dessert and appetizers were at 2 other houses. We had this huge Tudor house with 4 stories and a bar in the basement with the bats from the Brown's world series back in the forties I believe.  At any rate we'd all ordered lobster.  It was a very shi, shi neighborhood in St. Louis, all these families with these huge houses and I was the main course.  Well, the lobster never arrived and before they came to my house I ran down to the grocery store, bought a bunch of fish, baked and served it along with the rest of the meal.  How I did this I have no idea.  I was just a whirl wind.
   But now I'm going to bed and to dream of beaches and sun and palm trees and peace.

Looking for a Nanny and going to Pratt!

      Oh the world and the paths we weave. Yesterday I was at the coffee house talking to mothers on the phone about their experiences with nannies who sent us references.  So conflicted they were!  Ohh dear.  It seems the nannies these days are from St. Lucia, Trinidad, and Jamaica.  This one mother, Maureen, who is an attorney, told me she was so tired of tip toeing around nannies, that she had no problems at work telling people what to do.  When Jonse came around she was so happy to have a nanny who was not only good with the children, but who she could actually talk to and communicate with.  Jonse came this afternoon at 5.  She was a large woman, 32, with a great smile.  It turns out she has a two year old who is in day care.  Lord, it reminds me of "The Help!"  Jordan said she felt strange giving her children to a nanny who had to leave her child to look after someone else's child! And, Jonse doesn't want to be on the books because she's not legal yet.  Lordy, lordy.
    Between the apartment I saw the other day across from the projects for $3000, I wonder what people are doing here.  WHat are they actually getting out of all of this?  Is it a form of torture?
    Madge was here helping when we interviewed Jonse.  Madge is a 19 year old student at Pratt in Brooklyn.  She is here from upstate NY on her own dime and worried about school loans, etc.   She has a great smile, and as she says, a great family and she misses her family, especially her mom.  I told her she seemed so square for the "arty" scene at Pratt, someone who actually loved her family.  I said you seem like the "Waltons".  She answered not quite the "Waltons".
   So as Jordan went to the place to work out, Madge and I talked of being a young woman in NY.  I said it wasn't an easy time, and that she should be careful at the parties, etc.  SHe didn't like the subways or men "leering" at her.  I understand.
   I said look, "it seems like you have a great family.  You have a beautiful smile, and you deserve a good life.  The so-called great career in NY isn't everything.  It's important that you have love and enjoy life.  That's not failure, that's success. Maybe you don't want to end school with a lot of debt!  Why should you?"
   And with that, I'm signing off.
   

Valentines Day and the Babies Get a Bath, NY Rents!!

   It is Valentines day.  Happy hearts day to you.  It is a mixed day for me.  I lost my eldest son 4 years ago on Valentines Day.  He has 4 children.  I had gone to a grief group one a week pretty much for 3 years, but after I hurt my back I hadn't driven to Pasadena for the group and then I came to NY.
  So I found myself bursting out crying on the 13th, I didn't post yesterday.  I was just too sad.  And today, I can do it.  Not that I didn't cry. It just pops or spurts out of you.  I went to lunch with a friend, we had a good chat, and then I came back to the girls. I was going to yoga, but decided against it.  The girls, Tess and Gigi, dressed in their Valentines finest were half crying, half playing. I spent some time with them and their nanny Madge.  She gave them a bath in a little plastic tub and neither girl cried.  She washed their heads, their bodies, their little feet.  I really expected Gigi to squak, but she didn't.
   I'd seen an apartment yesterday, it was in Boerhm Hill across from the projects and they wanted $3000 a month. The apartment was 1180 square feet, one big room at top about 15 x 18 and you went down steps to a hallway where they had a desk and two bedrooms.  The bedrooms were dark because the windows  were in a well and there was a cover over it.  It wasn't horrible, but something that should be about 1600, not $3000.  And the houses next to it were rather seedy.  They want 200-to 280 for a garage.  I essentially told the agent I didn't know why people lived in NY-they seemed to struggle for so little.  It just didn't seem like a good neighborhood for the girls, and there was nothing magical about the apartment.
   On the other hand, Jordan's loft is a huge room, 42 x 12, with a small bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom off of it. It has great light, high ceilings, a brick wall, and hardwood floors.  I was so happy to get back to her apartment.

Sandy and A Maneuver fit for Soldiers!

   That seems a bit dramatic!  However, getting the babies home from Cornell was no small feat!  It was their 5th day, Jordan had bought a couple of car seats the day before she went to the hospital.  That was a huge choice-from a ton of different styles and different reviews.  The bases were so heavy that there was no way the babies could be transported in them.  You could however, move the babies without the bases.  You can't leave the hospital without a car seat for the babies, whether or not you had a car.  That was different from when we brought our children home.  I remember with the 2nd baby, Jerry picked me up in a Dodge 6 seater.  Gone was the TR4!
   But first of all Sidney had to be able to get into the city, which was closed to vehicles.  The night before when I escaped back to Brooklyn, (I'd stayed at Erica's for 2 nights), via car at 9pm, I carried with me a note from the hospital saying Sidney was coming into the city to pick up the babies and to let her pass.  So the next day when she and her boyfriend Dennis came by to get the car seats I gave her the pass.  Even picking up the car seats was complicated because our street was one way and there was no room to double park.
    Meanwhile back at Cornell, they were trying to kick Jordan out of the hospital.  Two other hospitals in the city were being evacuated and they wanted Jordan's room.  When I left on Thursday night they were bringing patients into one of the lobbies and setting up patients there.  Jordan told them they couldn't kick a mother with twins out on the street and she wasn't leaving!
    Sidney got the car seats and headed for the city, Jordan, and two new babies!

I lost half of my posts! and Forever Divided-Working Mothers!

   Oh lord, I was looking at different page layouts, and sure enough, I lost the layout Zia created for me, as well as half of my writing. I am so frustrated. 
   That's me and the computer. I lose things and I could just cry. Just cry, cry, cry.  I am just not good with computers-or technical things!  And this is how everyone communicates today, Facebook, blogging, tweeting, no calling.  It feels strange and unfamiliar writing on this color background. I guess that is how we all feel in our lives when old schools are torn down, malls are built, jobs removed, children go off to college.
   I met Sidney, she'd been to an Ashram in the Bahamas.  She said she spent the week meditating, chanting, doing yoga 4 hours a day.  Her skin looked terrific and she seemed very peaceful.  She said that there are two ways to look at your life, one is horizontal-what schools, what job, what money we have, and the other one is spiritual, where we are at in our spiritual development, which actually, is all we have in the end.
   We talked about Jordan's father coming in to see the twins for the first time.  He had a meeting in NY, and so he was going to drop by and see them.  
    Sidney said how she went with 3 other mothers, all of whom were working full time jobs and running their households.  The men, even if they stayed at home, were simply not capable of double tasking the way women were.
    I said that is the nature of being a woman, a mother, a working mother, forever divided, never feeling there is enough of you.
   I am supposed to be looking for a nanny.  I have no idea who will fill the bill. We have one nanny we love, but she wants $900 a week, and that's simply out of Jordan's range. Yesterday we were dividing the loft room into sections, and the middle one was going to be for the twins to play. 
   On the spiritual side, I am trying to stay awake and be coherent.  IO will push no one but myself.
    

Sleep, Swings, "Flat Head Syndrome," and the Time Before Seat Belts.

    Today Jordan picked up a never used "baby swing" and we both decided that of all the swaddles, "baby genius's," strollers, play seats, etc., that "a book on sleep and then a baby swing" is the first thing parents should buy.  Why?
    Because of all the things you want a baby to do, "sleep" is the most important.
    "Why?" Because babies sleep most of their lives, that is when their brains develop, when their systems relax, and good sleep promotes more sleep.
    A fussy baby, a bad sleeper, will be agitated and hard to put down.  But ahh, had Jordan bought a book on sleep before she had the babies, then she says "she would have gotten off on the right foot!" 
   Healthy Sleep, Happy Babies" is what she's been reading and following.  I don't know how it got started, but the babies began sleeping in the car seats after we took them to the doctor at 6 days old.  We noticed that when they were in the car seats they slept well.  They were still going into the crib a lot, but at 4 weeks old both the babies had broncholitis and Gigi had to go in the hospital for 2 days.  The car seats elevated them so that they didn't get congested.  But it was taken too far and the babies have been sleeping in them day and night.
   Several days ago Jordan read that car seats can cause "flat head syndrome" and that one baby had SIDS while in a car seat.
   "That's it, we have to stop these car seats and get them back in the crib" she announced.  In the crib they are on their backs, not their stomachs.
    Of course when my children were little they slept on their stomachs, and all I remember is that we put them to bed.  John, my eldest, had colic at 10 months and would wake up and try and bang his head on the floor, but that was all of the sleep drama I remember.  The children didn't have to have car seats or seat buckles, you'd put your hand out to protect them if you were stopping!!!! When John was born we exchanged our purple MG for  a Triumph convertible and I'd drive him around in a little baby holder on  the jump seat in the back.  (Of course that idea is ridiculous!)  The only book I knew about was "Dr. Spock"!  I decided to breast feed because it was easier.  I never pumped and the only instruction was that "your milk will come in around the third day."
    But back to the "swing".  Jordan got a swing today and we put Gigi in it when she was tired and had finished her bottle.  She went right to sleep without a bottle or pacifier.  Now a rockers great, we'd rock the car seats all the time, but a baby swing, it rocks them on its own power!
   Yeaaaa, we were in heaven! 

Baby A and a Visit to the Maternity Ward

     We are in Jordan's room with her good friend Monica who is a psychiatrist at Bellvue.  She is also four months pregnant and is excited to see Jordan’s twins.  She’s stopped by after her rounds and I am to go home with her that night.  It's a nice room by the river and we can see the water rushing around before the impending hurricane.

     Jordan looks tired to me and a bit out of it.  Later, in the photos, we will see how out of it and tired she really was.

    But as we waited, Tess was brought in in her little plastic basket.  They were still checking Gigi. Tess had on a little undershirt and a small cotton hat on her head.  She was swaddled in a blanket that was tightly tucked under in back.  Jordan held her for the first time and checked her out-she was perfect!  While Jordan was doing this she started to throw up from the anesthesia she had in the delivery room. Mattie, the nurse, was checking on everything and she took Tess and put her back in the basket. Jordan was dry heaving and eventually she stopped.

     I asked Erica if she wants to hold Jordan.  She does, and as it turns out, Monica looked like an old pro.  Monica held Tess very comfortably and kept on chatting with us, about babies, her new mother-in-law and how excited she was, the storm, Bellevue, etc.

     Around 9:30, I went with Monica back to her apartment.  She'd parked on the street so we had to walk a few blocks to her Nissan.  We got in and Monica drove from Cornell to the upper West Side, and again found parking on the street.  It was the "storm" she explained to me.  It was quiet because the hurricane was supposed to land later on that night.

   Monica's husband was traveling, so I could sleep in her bedroom.  "Are you sure?" I asked, not wanting to intrude on her territory.

   

Baby A and Baby B Come Out!

   I am dressed and ready and they say "it's time!"  Jordan has already been wheeled into the delivery room.  I am led in a few minutes later.  When I enter the delivery room Jordan is lying on the delivery table with a sheet draped in front of her face.  Her arms were splayed out like she was on the cross.  The nurses and physician were doing something behind the curtain, but I couldn't see anything.  I stroked Jordan's head. The next thing I knew was that we heard a cry-it was baby A-Gigi.  She was all red and bloody and the nurse quickly whisked her over to the warmer to wipe her off and to place her in a blanket.  They told me not to move.  I stayed put on my seat but was taking photos with my phone.  Jordan couldn't see her baby because she was behind the sheet.  A few minutes later they brought Gigi over to me, and I held her and showed her to Jordan.  She couldn't touch her or anything. I kept her for a short time while the team prepared to take out baby "B".
  About 5 minutes later "Baby B," Tess, was brought into this world screaming for her life.  Her scream was much louder and felt more fragile to me than Gigi's.  I took a photo and it looks like Tess is being tortured to death.  They cleaned Gigi up, handed her to me, and I put her by Jordan's face.  She was sweating and crying as she looked at Gigi.  I was proud and overwhelmed.
   Gigi was taken back to the warmer where she and Tess would be checked out in the Nicu.  Jordan finished with the after birth and was stitched up.  The sheet was taken down and she was lifted on to a stretcher to go to the recovery room, which was actually where we started out.
   In the recovery room they were checking Jordan's vitals when Monica, her friend who is a physician and 4 months pregnant arrived from Bellevue hospital to see the babies.  It was around 8 o'clock and she'd just gotten off of work (she's in the psych ward with 200 patients).  She brought Jordan two quilts she'd made for the babies.  They were blue, red and white with a star pattern.  I was amazed she had time to do that.
    She said she was always checking on the sonogram at the hospital where she worked to see if the baby was okay.  The recovery room only has Jordan and one nurse.  The hospital is deserted because of "Sandy!"
    About 30 minutes later they wheel Jordan to her hospital room.  Monica and I follow.  "When will we be able to see the babies?" Jordan inquires.
    "As soon as they finish checking them out" we are told.
    Jordan and Monica catch up on their lives.  I run down to the cafeteria to get something to drink.  Forget the hotel, I was going back with Monica to her place that night.

The Babies are coming, the Big Storm named "Sandy"!

     I got a text on my phone-big storm coming in! Yuk. Yuk. Yuk-though I bought snow boots. The text reminded me of October when hurricane Sandy was coming to the East Coast, it was all everyone was talking about, and Jordan was determined to get us into the city so she could have her babies at Cornell Hospital in Manhattan.  

     "We have to get in there before the storm otherwise we won't be able to get in, and I'm not  having the babies here in Brooklyn at Long Island Medical College.  I'm getting into the city."  She booked a hotel in mid-Manhattan and reserved it for two nights. Jordan also had her friend Monica's apartment where we could stay.
   "But first we have to go to Cornell and have a stress test!" Jordan said. 
   We took a cab into the city and went to Cornell, we both had suitcases and so we used the wheel chair to get our luggage upstairs.  Jordan was so big that people couldn't help but stare at her when she walked down the street.  You see other pregnant women going: "I hope i don't wind up like that!"
   When we got up to the maternity ward Jordan told them she was having contractions and that she was supposed to get a stress test.  They took her into a room and connected her up to a monitor on her belly.  Then, to my amazement, when she had a contraction, she started to moan! Jordan had never moaned in her life, and I hadn't heard her do this at home! I was impressed.   
    She explained to the resident on staff that she'd been in on false labor before and that she was to be induced on Friday!  It was I think Tuesday.
    The nurse and resident Beverly came in and out.  Finally about 4:30 they decided to induce her.  Sydney, who was going to go with Jordan into the delivery room as a supportive friend, was stuck in Brooklyn with her children! Yea. I was the one to go in with her. 
      I rushed down to the snack bar to get something to eat and drink.  WHen I came up Jordan was in the prep room for the operation with 2 other nurses.  The hospital was pretty empty as a lot of operations had been cancelled.  The anesthesologist came in to talk to Jordan.  He told her to make sure she got a "Lactation" consultant once she began breast feeding because he and his wife had failed to do so! "We waited until our baby was a month old and we made a big mistake with that one."
     Lactation consultant-wow, that was something new.  All I did when I had children was to say I wanted to breast feed (it was easier, no bottles), and that was that.  On about the 3rd day my milk came in and I remember my breasts really hurting.  I nursed all three of our children until they were about 6 months old and that was it.  My mother's generation all seemed to have trouble nursing, and my children were born in the new wave of keeping the baby in your room, breast feeding, and babies born into a warm pool.  Childbirth is very sexy.
     But back to the twins-if I was going into the delivery room I would need to get dressed in the blue pants, top, booties, a hair net, and a mask they gave me.  I moved fast and I was ready!
     

I'm so tired!

I'm cheating today, but I am so tired.  I didn't know it was so late and I didn't sleep last night.  When I tried to sleep today every 10 minutes one of the babies went uhhh, uuuhhh. I remember when my first two, 22 months apart would do that.  I'd get one down for a nap, then the other. I'd lay down, 10 minutes later, uhhh, uhhh. I'm cheating this blog. Off to bed, sorry!

Pete's Tavern, Cap 21, and the babies!

     I take the subway into Manhattan to meet an old friend from college and to see Unfinished Business at Cap 21 in Union Square.  It all seems very strange to me.  I've been cooped up with the little girls and now I am meeting Shelia and Karen (a friend of hers) at 5:30 pm and going to a play. Shelia looks great!  Her hair is short, she has on a great short fur coat and nice jewelry.  Shelia is not shy about her opinions and ever the great net worker.  She wants me to meet Eliza and Frank Ventura -she's told them about my work.  I stop at Nordstrom's Rack to find some boots, but alas there aren't any.
    We are in the tavern for over 2 hours and the topic we cover is everything from the girls to a 17 year old who has planned his funeral when he's 72 to death.  We talk of our bodies aging and becoming different and anxiety attacks.  I never had them but started to get them recently, and so has Shelia.  She says she meditates.  I am doing that too.   Sometimes the idea of just going places puts me into anxiety.  Karen is 50, she's just moved to NY and she doesn't want all this dreary talk.  I understand.
    Sometimes when I look at the little girls I cannot believe that they can ever have any sadness or harm.  But even now one, or both of them will get sad. Jordan is working so hard, on all fronts, and she said her world is now this little room and work.
     We go to Cap 21 and see Unfinished Business by Karen Mason.  She's a great singer and her piece
really touched me.  Right now it is a work in progress and the script is changing. It seems like a late night when I go home on the subway, which Karen directs me too.  As I walk home it all feels very lonely to me.  But when I get to the apartment I want to hug and kiss the little girls.
     They are what's real.

The Superbowl and super Parents!

    Today the 49'ers are in the Superbowl.  I used to live in San Fran, for 10 years, and their have such loyalty to their team.  My son, his girl friend, and everyone else from the bay area will be watching the game tonight.
    This morning I babysat Sydneys' children and a friend of theirs for a few hours.  I don't have any decent boots, so I was a bit afraid of slipping going over there-it snowed last night!  After they cleaned up the dishes, the children were busy playing Mindcraft.  All three of them sat bent over their small computer playing the game, making people disappear!  The world children can get into and stay in for hours on end!
   It made me think of Harry Potter and the English tradition, the upper class, of sending their children to boarding school, William and Harry went at 8.  Boarding school-Harry Potter, is about all of the abusive people at boarding schools.  It's basically a Lord of the Flies situation for children.  8 years old is so young.  I think of myself, and all the friends I've had who were mothers, and no one had a nanny-  a cleaning person-maid, yes, but nanny no.  It made me realize how much hard work we all put into our children and our families.  It made me see it wasn't an easy job, and that most women give their heart and soul to it.
   Jordan is so lucky that the twins are healthy.  A friend of Sydneys' was visiting from the west coast and it turned out he had twins, born at 24 weeks and only 1 1/2 pounds.  He said they were in the hospital for 5 months, it cost 3 million dollars and one of the twins has cerebral palsy.  Today at 13, they both have vision and balance problems.  I could tell how committed he was, and how much work they put into them.
   You never know what will happen.  This afternoon Zia, who is a friend of my grand daughter's from San Francisco, brought a fellow student from Pratt who was interested in babysitting.  Her name is Sandy and she was from upstate New York.
   She came from a family of 5 children, and she was so delightful.  She said she really loved her family and her parents and that she missed them.  She was paying her way through school, to the tune of 30,000 a year in student loans! Yikes.
    She worked with the twins and you could see she was careful and she smiled a lot.  I thought how wonderful, to come from a family you really love, one that respects one another and supports them.  Sandy said she really loved to talk to her mom and that she was a big effect on her.

Mooburger, rock bands, and boys!

     I went out last night with Sydney, Eric, and James, age 8, to Mooburger. We were joined by two other mothers and their 8 years old sons and a friend of Eric's. It was a lively crowd! The three boys were sitting together being boys-shakes, french fries, and sliders. It was fun to watch the boys, first get their shakes and then get their energy!
    I was sitting next to Janice, one of the mothers, who it turns out was in a rock band. I used to have a band and we talked about how the men like to ignore you or turn their instruments up loud to drown you out.
     I said it was like "Wendy and the lost boys!"  I told Janice about my band and all the different acts I had,, comedic, mythical, and sexual, and how each song was a story. I told her how we'd played at Lingere in LA and I entered in a nuns habit as my drummer, Kevin, who was black and really buff, stood up and drummed with war paint on his chest, and a mask on his face.  Then we would "give our bodies to the drum" and peel off the nun's habits and be wearing these very sexy outfits underneath.  Or I played Bundy and the band executed me, or "Coffee Break" where I was a receptionist who rebelled.
    Janice thought it was pretty wild, she was just in a female band and they played for fun. I said you should got out, do your hair and makeup wild!
     "HElp me!" she said.  I answered I would.  We talked and talked. Jordan stayed home with the girls to get them down for bed.  It turned out Janice and her partner, Lisa, had their son together.  
     "Who was the father?"
     "Oh he's a good friend, gay, and he lives in Australia".  Janice had lived in San Franscisco for 10 years, she was raised in the south, but now she was part of a big Jewish clan in NY.
    "How do you like it?" I wanted to know.
     "I like it, it was different. You know, than the west coast.  It's all very ivy league here."
     "Yes, here they know how to get their grants, and get into the schools. On the west coast everyone is just supposted to 'find themselves' without any tools!"
     The boys were restless-they wanted ice  cream for dessert. No dessert their mothers said, too much already! And soon we were all out in the cold trudging home!