I have been going on and on about the East Coast vs. the West Coast.  What's going on, really?

     If I am honest I have to say there is a big life style change on many levels.

      February is coming up.  It is the 6th anniversary of my eldest son's suicide.  Yes suicide.

      That is not an easy problem to swallow.  I went to a grief group on it for 3 years and it really helped.  But I haven't been to any group for 2 years and you do need to do the work.

      I still find it fascinating to read about Kate Middelton and the "princess" saga.  Disney's princess line makes more money than anything else.

      Why, because even drug dealers want their daughters to be princesses.  I remember when I was pregnant with John, my firstborn, the son I lost- I was in love.  I thought that I would be married forever.  I thought that my love could cure all, that I could protect this beautiful child and bring him perfectly into the world.  More than anything I wanted my family to be healthy, happy, and prosperous.  I thought age was for the old.  Age did not happen to the young.

     No, no, no.  Age was something they were afflicted with, but me, I would be young forever, I would never die.  I felt my parents’ problems would never touch me.

     Kate Middleton is the commoner who married a prince and who will some day be queen.  Her role is clearly defined but being redefined.  She didn't stay at the "palace" but instead went back to her parents with William and the baby to be a "real mom".

    They say in functional families the rules are clearly defined but flexible.  In dysfunctional families the rules are poorly defined but rigidly held.  And in Hollywood they don't want equals, they take hostages.

    John would go to a party in his wildest outfit-a feathered vest, cape, hat, boots, Versace suit with cross rib bonded jacket.  His good friend Steve said it was for effect.  He liked to be noticed, to make a statement, but then he didn't care. He would be himself and laugh, and joke with everyone and charm them all.  But in the end he didn't like Hollywood.  He thought it was fake and lived in the Bay Area.

     Even if it isn't the fairytale one thinks it is, I still like looking at the young family of William, Kate, and George and thinking it all is perfect.  I loved that dream.

     John has four children without a father.  I am no longer married to his father.  February is coming up.  It will be six years.  I am separated from my long term partner.  There are two beautiful, funny, charming twins I spend a lot of time with.  They are reviving me, bringing me back to life, to be reborn and flourish!

We're beat!

     My son Dan, and his girlfriend Sophia, are here helping watch the twins while Jordan goes to a conference.  The one rule she gave is don't pick up the girls at night time, no matter what.
    Jordan snuck out yesterday so the girls would not see her leave.  Dan and Sophia were doing great with all the schedules, food, everything.  Tess and Gigi went down nicely and we all thought, yeaaaa!
    Of course that isn't how the nights have been with Jordan.  One of them always seems to be getting up in the night, and its always something- a wet diaper, constipated, a poop, gas, they want to see their mother.
    I was just about going to sleep, it was around 11pm when the next thing I knew Gigi was up and Dan was trying to hold her.  She was writhing and screaming and Dan handed her to Sophia in the girls "pen".  Actually its a fenced in area that has a bed on the floor and Jordan's been sleeping there until she gets the doors on the room. It's supposed to be the third bedroom, but instead its a play room and we have two living rooms.
    Sophia took Gigi, I joined her, and there were the most blood curdling screams I ever heard. You would have thought she was being murdered!  And she was throwing herself around, she wouldn't let Sophia touch her.  She was going to hurt herself, and she had to be contained.
   I tried to grab her, but she was thrashing about.  Dan brought us a bottle of chamomile tea, Sophia left the play area, and I laid down with her, holding her tightly in my arms. She was sucking on the bottle for dear life.  Pretty soon the tea was gone but she kept sucking, which is supposed to produce gas, but at this stage I figured who cares?  
    Dan and Sophia didn't know what to do, so they crept around eventually sleeping on the single bed in the second living room.
    I just kept holding her, I'd never been able to sleep with the girls, but last night I had no choice.
    This went on for an hour and all I could think was that Gigi woke up and realized it wasn't her mother, and she was inconsolable.  Finally she went to sleep but she continued to cry in her sleep for another hour.  I needed to go to the bathroom, my throat was dry, I was on the edge of the bed, but I had to stay put.
    Finally I went to sleep and then about 4 got up.  I'd heard Tess crying in their bedroom.  I got up, did a lou stop, drank some water, and went back to bed with Gigi.  It was 4am, they got up anywhere from 5:30 to 6am.
     Which was what happened just as I was going back to sleep- I heard Tess in the other room.  Now it was play time to get up-5:50.
     A few minutes later we were going over what happened.  Dan said that Gigi, when he picked her up, was fine.  It was when he tried to put her in the crib in the second ling room that she freaked out.  I thought she'd woken up, realized Dan and Sophia were not her mother and got hysterical. 
   As it turned out, they went back to the front room to bed and Tess had gotten up and slept with Sophia on the couch from 3am on. We were all exhausted and it took until 1pm for the girls to finally take a real nap.
    Dan didn't tell Jordan the full story, just that the girls got up, to which Jordan said "don't pick them up no matter what!"
    Sure!

Kris Kringle and a Great Xmas Party!

     Sidney is having a Kris Kringle Xmas party.  Everyone is exchanging gifts!  Sidney is celebrating Xmas and the fact that she is getting her house back after 6 months of remodeling.  Not that the job is finished.  Her gorgeous third floor master suite has its own balcony, a wall of glass, his and her closets and a beautiful bathroom with heated small Italian Tiles.  But lots of things are not done-missing doors and woodwork, unfinished plumbing, the master toilet backing up, the balcony not safe, etc.  The fact is that Sidney and Mark are sleeping on the floor of the living room since Sept. 5th, and it is now December 10th!

        The workers finally left her house a week ago and she is now working to put it back together for the holidays.  The nightmare of remodeling!  "The marriage of remodeling" always starts out so hopeful, and then near the end the woman says to her husband, partner, mate:"I can no longer deal with this contractor any more. You talk to him!"  Which translates into, "I'm not paying another cent.  He hasn't finished the job, it's all half done, I'm going nuts!"  Which is exactly what Sidney said to Eric.  "I can't deal with them any more, I'm thinking of suing, this has gone way over budget, you deal with it!"

          Sidney's celebration is a Xmas party, Eric's relatives visiting them, and her sister coming down from Connecticut with her husband and three children, and lots of neighbors, friends from the kids school, and old friends dropping by.  My own sister was coming in that night and we took the twins to Sidneys at 4.  It was freezing outside as we walked to the party.  We had the twins in tights and their tops underneath their coats and the down 40 so that we could put them in the  "velvet dresses" Sidney had gotten for their Kris Kringle when we got to the party.

          Her house looked great, the tree was big and huge in the front room, the dining room filled with food, champagne, lots of people, and SIdney in a smart black sequined top and black pants with her hair up.  Eric was  in the kitchen making food.

        Sidney is tall, about 5'9", and her sister, with her blond hair and height I recognized right away.  I hadn't met her children, two boys and a girl.  The both were over 6'2" and they had that Eastern "preppy" look.  It turned out one of her sons went to Barnard College and was studying film.  But not as a major, just taking a course he assured me.

       It's interesting, that Eastern look of the "privledged suburban child" vs. the city look.  Kids raised in the big houses in Rye, Ny; Summit, NJ; Hartford, Conn.; have that protected, privileged look that city kids, even if they are privileged, don't have.  There's just too much you can't shut your eyes to in the city.  You ride the subways, see the poor, rub elbows with more of the grittiness of life.  You are not coddled the same way suburban kids are.

      Back in 1981, we'd lived in one of those big houses in Summit and my ex. worked in NY near the world trade center.  I wanted the children to walk to school, and my ex wanted me to give them a ride.  we got into a argument and it was decided that if it was below a certain temperature I would drive them.  Of course, I still felt they should walk, but my ex wanted them coddled and babied! And I have to say my older son and my younger son were both brats expecting whatever they wanted.

      But back to the party.  The girls got their velvet dresses on and Gigi let everyone hold her.  She was really enjoying it while Tess just wandered from room to room checking, grabbing whatever she could.  When you have toddlers you don't get to stand around and chat.  You are on the move!

      A lot of the neighbors and friends Sidney had made at the kids school came.  The talk was of property, one friend had sold her property for 3.5 standing room outside to bid!  Now they were looking for another house.

We left before seven because the girls had to go to bed and my sister was coming in.  Unfortunately, she would miss the party.

It's the New Year-2014

     Christmas is gone and so is Hannukah.  It's January and it came in bold dumping 8 inches of snow-it was the talk of the nation, the big storm.  Getting the twins out and in their down 40's, their snow jackets and mittens on them (they don't go on), is a nightmare.  Getting them down three flights of stairs is even more of a challenge.  They are 14 months and get very needy whenever anything happens like we take one twin down and leave the other in the safe pen until we can get her.  
     The minute they notice that might happen, like we are going out, they bellow like cows needing to be milked!  They are both sensitive now about this, as they are about getting their bottles.  They are still getting them, 3 times a day, and the second they see a bottle they start crying and screaming very dramatically.
     Kidville over the holidays was like being in a dryer.  Kids tumbling all over the place, 5 year olds running into 14 month olds, fathers smelling of testosterone playing with their children because their wives demanded it. The fathers are trying to be helpful and encouraging, and the children are just running everywhere.  I had a headache when I left.
     Jordan spoke up to a five hear old who was being rude and pushing the girls around.  Then she told the staff there were too many children.  
     Apparently now they have made Kidville into two areas, "the theatre", which is really just a big room with a place where the "band" plays for 0 to 2 and the padded gym area for 2 and up.  The nannies all looked bored yesterday.  Some just sit there with their "I phones" and the children run around on their own.  I wonder what the "guilty" mothers would think if they saw this.
      It just seems today that motherhood is just guilt, guilt, guilt.  Jordan gets up every day at 6 or 5:30 with the twins, goes into work at 9, gets home at 8, and then gets up  with them at night.  On the weekend its just the twins, twins, twins, and maybe one workout.  She's under a lot of pressure at work, they are presenting at the end of the week and Jordan's traveling without the girls. It's a first.  She has her brother and his girlfriend coming in for the night time.  It will be interesting.
     The other day Jordan put Tess in the front living room, which is our neighbors bedroom.  He came up at 2am saying he needed to sleep and he had a big meeting the next day.  Jordan apologized, but Tess had been unable to sleep and was crying with Jordan for 3 hours when she put her in the other room.
     Oh how desperate young mothers and father's are. They have a 7 year old and 2 1/2 year old and the little one Jennifer, tried to have a tea party for the girls 3 times and gave up crying down at their place.  So, we had them up for a tea party the next few days.

Everybody is Leaving Cobble Hill for Thanksgiving!

Oh the desire to be different.  At Kidsville Chris, a young man in his early twenties told me today that he doesn't want to go home to Tarrytown for Thanksgiving because he doesn't want to have to talk to his family about "getting a real job", etc. I told him parents who are older, like myself, feel the same way.  We don't want to have to explain to our children what we are doing.
"You can't go home again" is the fabric of American life.  We are always supposed to move on, move away, do better, be better.  We are supposed to surpass our parents, not just in job, career, everything.  It's a part of the American myth.  So Chris, a young man who got his masters in biology has been working at Kidville while he applies for jobs.  It seems like he'll wind up in the pharmecutical area.  But even though Tarrytown is about 50 minutes outside New York city, as Chris puts it, "he worked so hard to get away, he doesn't want to go home".  I have lived so many places I am starting to wonder what "home is" or who I am.
I have not lived in New york area since 82. That's 32 years ago.  I have been in sunny Southern California, LA, since 82 when we moved to San Francisco.  We bought on one of those anvil mortgages one of those house that was 4 stories with views of the city and the bay from every story.  We paid $750,000 in 1982 and it's probably 10-12 million now.  My job was to remodel this house which was the former South African Counselate with very little money.  This was San Franscisco, Pacific Heights where the Getty's lived.  I didn't want anyone to know but I painted the whole house inside myself.  When the kids were in school I would go to the paint store and tell them to put a little more yellow, or red, or blue in the paint.  As an artist I loved to mix paints.  One day I went to this paint store on Divisadero and they were mixing the paint, adding a little more yellow or red to an already mixed gallon of paint and the top was not fully on and the paint started going all over the store.  I often wonder if all the paint and paint remover I used over the years caused my Parkinsons!
So here I am in Carroll Gardens in a new apartment in a largely French section.  It's a big apartment, Jordans paint 4000 a month for it, but getting the girls up and down is a nightmare.

Cobble Hill, Halloween, and the Twins Birthday!

Halloween is a big deal in Cobble Hill!

Jordan and I thought we had costumes for the girls-Gigi had this animal fur suit and Tess had a Lambs outfit.  But when we took the girls to the park on Saturday we didn't know there was a parade.  It seemed like hundred of families all waiting with their children dressed as princesses, fairies, cat's, an apartment building, a tiger, the cookie monster, and on and on with with expectations and strollers.  A few parents were dressed up.  Gigi, who is now walking around, had a little hat on that looked like a bumble bee and Tess was just sitting in the park watching everything.

It's great to see the young parents all excited and trying on new roles.  Actually, it was almost a mob!  There were so many strollers and parents the park was filled with them and they had a police man stop traffic on the street for the parade!  We didn't go in the parade. The girls were tired and needed lunch.  We are always on a short leash and Kidville never has any time on the weekends-they are too busy making 500 a pop for a birthday party!

We moved!----Home Schooling and Sharing, Kidville and brats!

 Jeff came over today to fix some things in our new apartment.  The bookcases needed to be secured against the wall so the twins don't pull them  over on themselves, he needed to put up gates for the twins at the entrance door.  It's another 3rd floor walk up, except it has two living rooms, a big kitchen, and 3 bedrooms and its four thousand a month!  That's another blog!  
But back to Jeff.  He worked for the owner of our other brownstone where we used to live and Jordan would use him to put her air conditioner in, or secure a bookcase, etc.  He'd come and chat and I knew his wife home schooled their kids.  He usually works construction in the city during the day, and then he'd do odd jobs after that and on Saturday.  He said he gets up at 4am to go to work, he works 6 days a week.  Jeff is tall, 6'6", and of German descent.  Everybody knows what everybody is here in New York.  There are so many immigrants.
At any rate I was talking to Jeff about home schooling.  They have a 15 year old boy, 9 year old girl, and 7 year old girl.  I said "how can your wife home school your kids?  Doesn't she get tired of it?"
He said that it was better than their going to the schools on Staten Island and that it only cost about 150 dollars to get a years program.  I said, but how can she stand having the kids around 24 hours a day?
He said it was a lot of work for her, but that she wanted to do it.  His fifteen year old is a great swimmer on a swim team, and a classical guitarist, and his one daughter loves art and does art projects all the time.
I said, "but your wife has so much power?  I mean she's his whole world, his teacher and his mother?"
Jeff said that she could cause her son a lot more harm than he could do to her.  He apparently went to a regular school for a short time and said that it was an ugly place, that guards checked kids bags and that it seemed horrible.
I wanted to know how they made their kids do their school work.  He said that they knew that their father went to work every day and that it was just part of life, that they would have to do a similar thing some day.  Jeff was putting in kid locks on the kitchen cabinets, and a gate to get into the kitchen because there is a step up to get into the kitchen and Jordan is worried that the girls will hurt themselves. So he was chatting as I was talking and making crepes.  I used to always make crepes for all the grandkids (my oldest is 19 down to 6!).  They would get a crepe and often one of our three dogs would very happily wait down below for the leftovers. All the dogs are gone-it was twenty years of Shitzus and Lasso Apso's.
Jeff sat down at the table and ate a couple of crepes, I felt they were a bit dull, but he didn't complain!
This concept of work and home schooling is fascinating.  Most people I  knew, myself included, loved school for the break you got.  I would get sad on the days the kids had extra holiday's. What were we going to do?  My youngest son, Michael, has always been fascinated with home schooling out in Los Angeles.  A friend of his from college, Adam, whose kids are 4 and 6, his wife home schools the kids and Michael really admires it.  He always talks about how well behaved they are and adjusted to life.
But how did he stand the children, or his wife stand them 24 hours a day?  Jeff said that he worked 6 days a week and that his wife got Sunday off.  He needed to see the kids and she needed a break. I wanted to know if he was religous?  He said no, not particularly.  Was he close to his two sister?  No, he said. Why not, I asked.  "Because my mother had a philosophy of divide and conquer."  So we were pitted against one another.  "That's sad" I answered.  We chatted some more and he had to go on to his next job.  
Actually what I didn't mention was how much Gigi liked Jeff, whereas Tess at first was scared of him.  Gigi even tried to pick up his drill.  It was a riot to watch.  She held his hand and he was so gentle with her.  The gentle giant, I thought!
But now its ten o'clock  the girls were up last night, bedtime!  

The racquet of Kidville University!

Oh the racquets for the rich! At "Kidville University" in Cobble Hill your expensive little child can be socialized for only $2495 per semester for "2" hours 3 days a week!  Or you can fork over $4890 per year on top of what you are already paying to the nanny, etc. 
This all takes place at Kidville University, or, what you might say, "a great money making franchise".  Also what Jordan thought was going to be a place for the girls to explore in the teeny padded gym, it turns out the owner will cancel any play time the children if he can squeeze in a birthday party at 500+a pop!

AHHHHHHH!!!!  Once again, there was no time set aside for those customers who have paid for gym time because more dollars can be made giving Bday parties!

Kidville and Warren Buffett!

  Maria and I took Tess and Gigi to Kidville today.  This is where all the nannies and a few parents take their children when not at the park. It's a small store front on Court St. with a front reception room about 9x10 where the parents park their strollers.  On one side they have classes like "rockin railroad" with a real band and a singer, and in the other room is a padded childproof room for the children to climb, jump on a trampoline, swing on a rope, etc.  We got there with Tess and Gigi and tons of toddlers with their Jamaican and St. Vincent nannies sitting around.  There was a grandfather and grandmother with their grandchildren.  The grandfather, Jim, it turns out was from San Jose and he wasn't watching the children.  We started talking about East coast versus West Coast and the rents, etc.  He said he and his wife, who originally was from Brooklyn, rented a place for the month for 3000, but he said nobody wanted to trust them because they were from out of town.  His daughter was an attorney who worked in NY and his son-in-law was a chef.  

"He thought of opening a restaurant in NY, but there would be about 300,000 in fees!  It's crazy.  This city is run by the attorneys. He's not going to do it here, he says he'll go to the west coast if he wants to open something."

I told him how provencial I thought it all was here.

He didn't know how much rent his daughter paid, but he said "I'm from the bay area which is supposed to be the highest priced area in the country, but it's nothing compared to here!"

Cobble Hill-the rents are nuts! And San Francisco, Los Gatos

What can I say-things change in a week.  Jordan was all set to take the apartment, but then the landlady dragged her heels and put it up on Street Easy minus the broker for $4500.  The owner wanted to wait a week even though we'd agreed to $4200.  Well, Jordan was all ready to sign that week and then I went nuts. I thought it was too small, too dark, though nicely done inside, and that we'd hate the bars on the windows.  Plus, being from the midwest and California, those apartments are "basements" and nobody lives in a basement.  By Sunday the whole deal fell apart.  Jordan thought twice about the price and said no more than $4000.  Meanwhile, the landlady herself had her own suspicions about us and said we were not a fit!  She was right and the apartment went back on Street easy for $3900!  

I met a grandma in the park from Hungary, named Susana, and she was here watching her grandson who was 6 months old.  She said her daughter and her husband were architects in the city and he was Japanese.  At Christmas the Japanese grandparents were coming over to watch the baby.

"I feel it is not good here, too expensive.  Plus, when I was a mother in the sixties we got 3 years to be with the children.  All they care about here is money, money.  I think they will have to eventually leave.  The mothers need to be with the children".  I told her about the irony that Kate Middelton was staying home with her "mother" as a nanny, while all the "Brooklyn" moms were running to work leaving the children with nannies.  Of course the fact that society never considered a woman's job worth anything is indicative of our society.

But it seems like everyone is under stress these days.  Jordan's good friend in San Fran quit her job as an attorney when her husband went back to work, but then his company went under and now both need a job.  And my daughter-in-laws good friend in Los Gatos, Serena, is under a lot of stress. Her husband has been out of a job for more than a year and they have to sell their house, under market value.  Plus she went back to work as a translator half time and gets up at 3 in the morning for overseas hours!

Another one of Jordan's friends is a missionary in Brazil.  Her name is Angela and Jordan knew her from high school.  SHe lived in Washington DC, but hated it there.  She said everyone was into their possessions, their I Phone, etc.  She, her husband, and her children went back to Brazil.

So, what's it all about? Alfie?