I have been going on and on about the East Coast vs. the West Coast.  What's going on, really?

     If I am honest I have to say there is a big life style change on many levels.

      February is coming up.  It is the 6th anniversary of my eldest son's suicide.  Yes suicide.

      That is not an easy problem to swallow.  I went to a grief group on it for 3 years and it really helped.  But I haven't been to any group for 2 years and you do need to do the work.

      I still find it fascinating to read about Kate Middelton and the "princess" saga.  Disney's princess line makes more money than anything else.

      Why, because even drug dealers want their daughters to be princesses.  I remember when I was pregnant with John, my firstborn, the son I lost- I was in love.  I thought that I would be married forever.  I thought that my love could cure all, that I could protect this beautiful child and bring him perfectly into the world.  More than anything I wanted my family to be healthy, happy, and prosperous.  I thought age was for the old.  Age did not happen to the young.

     No, no, no.  Age was something they were afflicted with, but me, I would be young forever, I would never die.  I felt my parents’ problems would never touch me.

     Kate Middleton is the commoner who married a prince and who will some day be queen.  Her role is clearly defined but being redefined.  She didn't stay at the "palace" but instead went back to her parents with William and the baby to be a "real mom".

    They say in functional families the rules are clearly defined but flexible.  In dysfunctional families the rules are poorly defined but rigidly held.  And in Hollywood they don't want equals, they take hostages.

    John would go to a party in his wildest outfit-a feathered vest, cape, hat, boots, Versace suit with cross rib bonded jacket.  His good friend Steve said it was for effect.  He liked to be noticed, to make a statement, but then he didn't care. He would be himself and laugh, and joke with everyone and charm them all.  But in the end he didn't like Hollywood.  He thought it was fake and lived in the Bay Area.

     Even if it isn't the fairytale one thinks it is, I still like looking at the young family of William, Kate, and George and thinking it all is perfect.  I loved that dream.

     John has four children without a father.  I am no longer married to his father.  February is coming up.  It will be six years.  I am separated from my long term partner.  There are two beautiful, funny, charming twins I spend a lot of time with.  They are reviving me, bringing me back to life, to be reborn and flourish!